A Case of a Non-Inquiring Child
I saw a scene on the streets of Brooklyn once. A mom with a boy, about 4–5, just exited a 99c store. The boy kept begging for a certain toy in it. Mom kept saying no. The boy, burly built, a future natural leader no doubt, cried out at the top of his lungs, voice strong, assertive, and dropped on the ground for maximum effect. Mom reacted with displeasure, tried not to reward him with any attention, and was sheepishly telling him to get up. She then briskly looked around to see if shameful behavior of her son brought any disapproval of passers by. The boy recovered relatively quickly, having to calm down on his own. They went away. What would be a verdict of popular wisdom here? That the boy seems selfish, developing his ego too much, and mom was right purposely ignoring him? Or that the boy’s need better be fulfilled? My reaction was, I felt sad for the boy…
This scene happened around the time, when I learned about my autism diagnosis, and went on a soul searching spree. I retreated into seclusion, but also started observing people in public places, with renewed interest. This scene was one such observation of note. I often found myself pondering over this and some other seemingly ordinary observations. The boy is a beautifully wholesome neurotypical child, that’s for sure. He has innate strong impulse to express his wants to his mom. May be overly so, depending who you ask.
From what I can remember, and what my mom was reminiscing with me, I was a polar opposite child. I rarely formed specific strong desires. May be never? In my family it had a consequence of me largely being left alone to my own devices. If I were a male child, may be that would lead to other forms of signaling for caregivers’ attention, such as unruly behavior. Me, I was capable of following the routine, getting excellent grades at school, always doing homework on my own. My mom figured me as a stubborn child, and gave up on “reaching me”.
This kind of thinking about my own failures lead me to realize, how much the normal ability to ask for attention needs to be appreciated in children. Well, this was my personal realization. I am sure there are whole chapters written about it in psychology and pedagogy books. To me, this ability appears fundamental for a wholesome child development.
What that boy was trying to communicate to his mom, was his inner need. And come on, a child of 4–5 is not vain, or greedy. What he felt, what happened in his mind, is that his attention was grasped by a novelty, and his brain, in the process of building all the new neural connections, gave a strong request for more information. Hey, his brain as if told him, look into this direction, we can figure out a thing or two if toying with it. But there was a few snags on this way. The novelty costs money, and anyway there is this rule, ask mom for approval before taking anything. So, the boy starts first with asking, and since mom dodges his attention, he feels she must’ve not understood how strong his inner jolt is. So, he keeps begging, choosing stronger and stronger signaling. He tries whining — no effect. So, the boy turns to the strongest signaling he knows — crying out loud plus dropping on the ground. Still no effect. To the boy, the most perplexing thing must’ve been, how come his mom doesn’t even realize how much his desire is, and that his want is innocent, beneficial.
Because the mom chose the ignoring tactic, the boy also, on top of his inner torment, had to calm down on his own. If you think that was easy for him, think of the last time you craved some novelty product, but had to restrain yourself due to budgeting issues. Was it easy to quench those inner jolts of tunnel vision — “Yes, I need it”? Let me ask you also, whenever you come to ideas like that, would you classify your desires as pure vanity, indulgence? Or, was there actually good reasoning involved?
It’s too bad if out of all involved parties, it’s the marketers of children toys who best understood how children’s drive for self-development works. They perfected creation of products with maximum learning appeal. I do totally get mom’s need to budget. Been there. What I am trying to say is, the mom needs to empathize with her son, instead of ignoring him. At least, if a 5 year old needs to quench his desire for a novelty, a feat that is hard even for adults to accomplish (as evident by lots of impulse purchases), can she let him know that she knows how he feels, how important it is for him? Can she help him to calm down, give him solace with some alternative?
How did I come to empathize so much with the boy, if, by my own words, I lacked such ability in childhood? I think the reason is, that I eventually arrived to this developmental stage. Only, a bit later then early childhood. When did I?… It was in my teens, when I self-detected strange qualities of mine. I was telling myself, stop. How come I don’t have an opinion on what to wear? How come I don’t ask questions? How come I don’t know what I want? It was a slow, imperfect process of rebuilding myself, stretched way into adulthood.
One peculiar consequence was that I was doing it consciously, and remember myself doing it. I then realized that children normally go through this process. Only, ideally, their caregivers participate in this process, encouraging the children, giving them answers they seek. The better the harmonious participation of the caregivers, the more wholesome, well socially adjusted a child grows up.
If the role of caregivers in a particular child’s development is less then stellar, then at least the inner self-directed process remains. Children still grow up, eh, relatively ok, because they still have their own impulses to follow: to figure this, to watch that, to imitate someone, and so on.
That’s the viewpoint I eventually arrived to. And it was a heartfelt belief, I must admit. It affected what kind of mom I was. When parenting my son, I remember being overly sensitive to causing any interruption of his attention to anything. To the point that if he is in the middle of watching, say, a sitcom on Disney channel, and I need to ask him to do something, or to go somewhere, I used to reverently wait for the program to end before asking to turn off the tv. I didn’t perceive watching a sitcom or a cartoon as an idle pastime. To me, it was the magic of his self-development happening before my eyes. What? A lot of actionable social strategies can be picked up from sitcoms!
I don’t follow closely current trends in parenting. But if there is any discussion still going on as to how much attention, love, and guidance children should be given, hope my case of a non-inquiring child would illustrate the need for more of that, not less.
For autistic children, I would theorize that assessment of their current self-guided development can be done. If low, then it follows to find ways to jump-start or increase it, while encouraging their parents to participate, and not to give up. Did I get it close to currently held views?
